Welcome to What Doesn’t Change, formerly Into the Fire.
I had a revelation recently while working with a client: I’ve been focused on the fire, the struggle, the shadow of men being conditioned to disconnect from ourselves, each other, women, the earth; to suppress our own emotions and expression. We’ve been trained to believe that a proper, successful man must kill off parts of himself in order to be acceptable, lovable, deserving of life.
And all the pain these symptoms of being off-center create.
It’s easy to focus on the shadow. It’s mysterious, even sexy. Trauma bonds to trauma. Fear begets fear.
What changed for me is that I realized that the struggle is not the point. Why do we struggle? Why would anyone choose struggle?
We struggle FOR something that is greater than ourselves.
Parents are willing to struggle for their children to have a better life.
Leaders struggle through the early years of running a business so that they can thrive, so that people can benefit from what they’re offering.
A craftsman struggles to develop his craft so that he can become more aware, more skilled, more present in his life and relationships
Sun Dancers pierce the skin on their chests with metal hooks and sway and pull between the trees those hooks are tied to, offering their blood and pain back to the earth
But the struggle is not the point. It’s partly about what we’re reaching for (healing. wholeness, connection, mastery), and it’s partly about who we become in the process, and how we experience that process of becoming.
It’s not always a dark, fiery struggle. Healing can be fun. Trauma work is not about mucking around in the pain; it’s about returning to center, over and over again.
Your Center. Your Whole Self. Your Awareness. As Internal Family Systems founder Richard Schwartz calls the “part that is not a part.” It is your
Clarity
Compassion
Curiosity
Creativity
Courage
Acceptance
Devotion
Love
This is the part we come back to when triggers cease. It is what doesn’t change within us.
So while the essence of the work here has not changed—supporting men in expanding their capacities for presence and connection at their edge, in high-stakes situations, and in relationship—what has changed is the north star of this work, which has been there all along: what doesn’t change.