Field Notes: 1+1=3
learning to love the third in your relationship
I was working with a client today and something landed that I want to share while it’s fresh.
One plus one equals three.
There are three beating hearts in any relationship. You, the other person, and the relationship itself.
Most people overlook the relationship as its own entity. Without care and attention, the connection between you can suffocate or freeze to death in the ditches of everyday patterns and habits.
When we think about relationships, particularly romantic ones, we tend to think about two people. What you need, what she needs. Who’s compromising, who’s getting their way.
But you and the other person aren’t the only entities in that relationship. The relationship itself is an entity between you.
Most people experience relationships through the lens of compromise. In order to keep the peace, I give up something, she gives up something, both of us get maybe sort of what we want. Add it up over time and you get resentment, bitterness, indifference.
Or worse, you feel like you’re sacrificing yourself to placate her, make her happy, let her have her way. This for that.
Many men get caught in “happy wife, happy life.” Which easily becomes “happy mom, happy wife.” It puts you in a submissive role, people-pleaser mentality, where you need to make everything okay and seek approval to be yourself.
That takes you out of your agency, your choicefulness, your integrated self.
And that’s often the self she actually wants to see.
When you orient to the relationship as an entity, a lot can change. When I do things for the relationship, when I do things for the connection rather than just for her, I’m operating from a different place.
If you’re with someone who truly sees you, not just for who you are but for your potential and who you can become, she wants that essence present. She wants the connection with that essence to thrive.
Here’s what I want you to consider: What if the relationship itself needs tending? Not her needs. Not your needs. The connection between you.
What does the relationship need to thrive?
Sometimes that means doing something that serves her. Sometimes it means taking care of yourself. Sometimes it means making a choice that serves neither of you individually but strengthens what’s between you.
The relationship is the third entity in the room.
What would change if you started tending to it directly?
Tending to the connection is intimate work.
Most men weren't taught how to do work this kind of work without feeling exposed.